Some might say "denials".

I don't remember the way you looked at me after I said something mean.
I don't remember the way I feel whenever you are literally near.
I don't remember your smell.
I don't remember your preference of cigarettes.
I don't remember your favorite color.
I don't remember the way I love you, because I don't.
I don't remember your car, or the way you drive so recklessly.
I don't remember your ability to write poems. Not at all.
I don't remember how thoughtful you were of me.
I don't remember your birthday, I bet it's not even in my reminder.
I don't remember your house, with the wooden chairs and very comfortable patio. I don't.

A piece

To me, a memory is like a piece of chocolate.
It might be bad for your health, but if the chocolate tastes so good, you will be addicted and decided to consume another piece.
I am proud with my ability to remember stupid and painful things.
I still can remember perfectly about your faded smile when I said no.
Or the way you lit your cig, and didn't want to look at me.

However, I find another piece to remember.
My feelings.
Whoaa, I'm telling you, this is even more dangerous.
When you remember how you feel, it's like smoking marijuana.
Either you're happy or sad, it is not real.

The F Word

Life. Love. Journey. Experiences.
4 elements, walking along.

One word that could suite those 4 is "fear".
They say, "love life, and life will love you back."
I'd say, "I fell in love with fear, it is way sexier than life."
Fear may be a part of life, or life could be a part of fear.

Why would you think that "life" is greater than "fear"?
Fear is life. Life is fear.
Afraid of poverty, you struggle to make a better life.
Afraid of your dad, you do what he said.
I could say, if that happens to you, your life is driven by fear...
Which actually is not a bad thing, if you look at it from another side.
Without fear, you will not move nor think.
You need fear to keep your life going on.

I need fear. Whenever no one's near.

Happy thoughts, crappy foughts.

I am a freaking liar.
I tell people how great life is, how it will be a better day tomorrow, faith is what it takes, and other shits.
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.
You know what, I've been using them, the ones that told me all their stories, and asked to be motivated.
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

You know what?
I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT.
That is why I keep on saying it, trying to convince myself.

Yes. Are you happy now?

Small?

Images of suffering people almost make me want to hit my head with a brick.
Everytime I see the news, I feel like this ungrateful bitch.
How can I complain about something that is actually and literally smaller than what they are facing right now?
I can't not care about what happened in Sumatera.
But I can't not care about what is happening in my head.

It's like..... Watching a very very violent movie with your hands and feet tied up, and you can't close your eyes.
What's happening in Sumatera is real.. It is.
What's happening in my head.....Oh, how I wish I could just shake my head, and they will go away. It may not be real, but it makes me ill.

I really, and am trying to be grateful, trying not to cry over the spilled milk, or not to sweat the small stuff or whatever it is they say about not thinking too much about "small" things. What is small? How small should a thing be to be considered as small?

No one should say "small thing" or "small deal", that's rude.

So, here I am, trying to survive.
Well, at least I'm trying.

Love Is All Around.

My cousin told me that my blog is way too unorganized.

She said that I should try to tag them, label them, or do anything to make them look better.

I asked her, "I AM way too unorganized, and my blog is like my twin, so...be it."
She said, "Chacha, you are just.......Uh......I love you. Fuck you."

Haha. I love you, fuck you too, my dear.